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An Honorable Burglar - part 1 - fanfiction

I never expected to be writing a story for The Hobbit. But Le Muse was insistent, and since I've found that the only way to stay sane whilst living with a fickle non-corporeal entity is to give it everything it wants, here's a tale about what happened after that 'troll incident.'

I'd have never worked on this story without the support of Laura, who's listened to me grumble for months, and Kat, who's read along and encouraged me as I wrote. Thanks, my friends. And thanks, gentle readers, for your everlasting patience.

 photo grocer_zpsf9844b46.jpg

Thorin "discusses" the troll mishap with Fili and Kili. And then, it's Master Baggins' turn.

Disclaimer: No copyright infringement is intended. This story is not meant to violate the rights held by New Line, Tolkien Enterprises, nor any other licensee, nor is any disrespect intended. I don’t own Tolkien’s original characters, however, my OC’s, Gwinthorian, Garrick, Devon and several other Rangers are exclusively my own.

An Honorable Burglar - part 1
by Larrkin

I strolled back and forth in front of the bench. This private garden Lindir led me to was close to where the Company was quartered, but not too close, so my nephews could feel free to cry out without being overheard.

I would have handled the matter sooner, but there had been no time and no opportunity to deal with the guilty parties until now. So I was eager to get on with this. Waiting was hard on the lads, and it was hard on me as well.

So, when the conference with Elrond ended, I asked him if there was some place where I could have total privacy for a few meetings. Gandalf had a knowing look in his eye and he and Elrond exchanged a glance; then Elrond murmured instructions to Lindir and on our way back Lindir veered off the path and brought me here. Balin strolled ahead, leading the all-too-curious halfling on.

"Bring them now," I had murmured to Balin before turning to follow the elf down the pathway through some high shrubbery to this circular garden. Several benches, low to the ground, surrounded a small fountain, several more faced it. The place had an overgrown look to it I liked. Perfect.

"My Lord Elrond said you requested privacy," Lindir said, lighting a few torches. "This garden is rarely used. None shall disturb you here. I apologize for its --" He paused and sadly looked around as if words failed him.

"Don't apologize," I said. "This will do. Thank him for me." I gave him a nod, and the elf turned and glided back down the path. Elves. I find them . . . unnatural. I have yet to see one with a decent beard, or even the start of one like Kili's. Their chins are as smooth as a halfling's. Master Baggins seems childlike enough to get away with a bare face, but I should think a fully grown adult elf would be ashamed to walk around looking like that. Elves.

I sat on one of the benches and readied myself, thinking back on what had happened last night. Had it been just last night? Aye, this morning's rays had turned the trolls to stone. And I knew at once who had been responsible for our near-tragic encounter with those creatures.

So whilst the others were busy being cut free from the spit and getting dressed I'd taken my nephews away to find out exactly what had happened. I wish I could say I was surprised to find out that Fili and Kili had disobeyed my orders. But it was unlikely a troll would have gone unnoticed when lifting a few ponies had my nephews been at their post, doing what I had ordered them to do.

"The ponies seemed fine, so we went to scout out the area a little," Kili had softly said this morning, he and Fili studying the ground.

"Did you not notice the trolls during this scouting expedition?" I asked.

Glancing up at me, Fili said in his hushed tone, "We went in the opposite direction of their camp, so we didn't know they were there. When we came back through to go the other way, well . . .."

"You noticed that several ponies were missing."

Fili nodded. "Two, at that point."

I paused, then said, "Did I tell you to scout around?"

"You usually do," Kili piped up looking at me with bright eyes. His older brother winced.

I frowned at them for a long moment. "Did I tell you to scout around?"

Again they lowered their gazes.

"No, sir."

"No, sir."

"Kili, what did I tell both of you to do?" I demanded. "And look at me when I'm talking to you!"

They both quickly obeyed. "You told us to look after the ponies," Kili said.

I waited. "And?"

"And to stay with them," Fili jumped in, coming to his little brother's aid as usual.

I ignored him. "Kili. What were my last words to you?"

"You said, 'Make sure you stay with them.'"

"That's what I thought I said," I muttered. "And did you stay with them?"

"No, sir."

"No, sir."

"Mmmm." I turned to my older nephew. "Go on, Fili. What happened next?"

"We'd just noticed the missing ponies when Bilbo came, and we saw the troll's campfire light, so we ran closer to have a look and then a troll came by with Myrtle and Minty. Bilbo was afraid the trolls were going to eat them, and since it looked that way to us, too, we decided to let him try to, uhhhh, rescue the ponies."

"'Let' him try? You mean he volunteered?"

They exchanged anxious glances.


"Not exactly," Kili said. "No."

I stared at them. "You pushed him into it."

They nodded.

"Alone," I said.

They nodded again.

"Someone answer me!"

"Yes, sir," Fili quickly said. "We thought, well, because he's our official burglar --"

"-- and because he's so small," Kili added.

"-- and because Gandalf said hobbits can move unseen by most --"

"-- that the trolls wouldn't even see him."

"'Wouldn't even see him,'" I growled.

They squirmed without moving a muscle. I did not care to hear more, but I had to learn all of it. "To my knowledge, our burglar owns no weapon. Did you lend him one of your knives, Fili?"

"Uhhh . . . nooo. I didn't think to."

In danger now of fully losing my temper, I folded my arms over my chest and studied the sky, picturing this scene all too clearly. "So," I said, turning back to them, "if I understand this correctly, my two fully armed, warrior nephews sent a green, unarmed and unwilling halfling to thieve four captured ponies from under the eyes of an unknown number of mountain trolls. Does that sum things up?"

My red-faced lads looked as though they wished the trolls had swallowed them whole, parasites and all.

"Answer me!" I thundered.

"Yes, sir."

"Yes, sir."

I heaved a sigh of frustration, glowered at them, and said, "What happened next?" They remained silent. I quickly lowered my arms and barked, "Either of you!" The lads flinched, then started answering, again in their interrupting manner:

"I told Bilbo we'd be right behind him --"

"-- so, after we sent him off --"

"-- we ran into the woods --"

"-- to find a good vantage point --"

"-- and when we saw the troll nab him --"

"-- I ran back to camp to give the alarm --"

"-- and I went to help Bilbo and hold off the trolls 'till you got there."

They were obviously upset with themselves, and they should be. I began to ask the answer-less questions.

"Did you truly expect an unarmed halfling grocer to single-handedly rescue four ponies from some mountain trolls?"

No reply of course. They were back to studying the ground, careful to keep from meeting my eyes.

"Did it not occur to you that he might get caught?"


"What did you think was going to happen?"

And that, of course, was the problem. They had not thought it out fully, and when my nephews stopped thinking disasters occurred.

I made a strangling sound deep in my throat, turned, and wandered off, seeking to settle the roar within me; then I suddenly halted and looked back and I saw my nephews, quiet and sad, watching me now, too respectful of my wrath to look away although it clearly hurt them to see it. They looked very young and full of remorse, and despite the horror of what had nearly happened, I lost the edge of that wrath.

Heaving another deep sigh, I strolled back and stood before them. "Lads," I said in a low voice. "I am quite sorely displeased."

They paled and stared bravely back at me, clearly dreading those words, though they had heard them often enough. Kili's eyes grew wide and Fili pressed his lips together tightly. They understood what I meant. My astute nephews had known that this was going to end but one way.

But, I had to leave it there, for it sounded as though my previously spitted dwarves, laughing and full of high spirits, were nearly dressed again. There was no time to discipline two deserving lads. So I sent them off with assurances that this was by no means finished, then I stood alone for a moment soothing myself by muttering some foul language before heading back through the bushes to the clearing where I found Gandalf snarling at a stone troll and giving it a whack with his staff.

Now, finally, I could deal with my nephews in full. There was still much to go over here. I'd learned but the basic facts of the matter earlier. Now I intended to hear the rest, the harder facts, the ones my lads would find difficult to admit to. But they would, eventually, cooperate. Spank a youngling long enough and he became more than eager to babble, especially Kili, who, despite his raw courage, crumbled rather quickly when over my knee.

Hearing the approach of some heavy, booted footsteps, I stood and watched my nephews enter the garden. They paused and glanced around, then their wary gazes shot straight to me. My compassionate mood had long since flown. I was once again quite sorely displeased.

I rarely waste time on preliminary chatter. These two knew why they were there and what I intended to do. So there was nothing to discuss - yet. For now I simply frowned and studied them, making them stand and quietly await my orders. They held still, alert and attentive. Such obedient lads.

I crooked a finger their way. "Come," I growled.

They moved towards me, a bit too slowly for my mood, so when they drew within my reach I nodded Fili towards the seat opposite my own, rumbling, "There," then I grabbed Kili, hauled him back to the bench, sat and swiftly yanked the lad across my lap. He fell with a soft explosion of breath and lay still.

They never dare struggle, at least not at first. So when I am truly smoldering I move with slow, deliberate precision, making them feel where they are and think about what is about to befall them. I pushed up Kili's long undershirt then worked his breeches over his backside and down his legs inch by unhurried inch, stopping just above his knees. Though but a few minutes had passed Kili was now quivering, his upper body stretched out on the bench beside me, his face buried in his palms and hidden beneath the veil of his dark hair.

I looked down at my nephew and drew a deep, satisfied breath. He was here, stretched out over my knee, safe. He was not eaten by trolls. And recalling how close we had all come to that fate, I tucked Kili tightly against my body, raised my hand and brought it down upon his backside with a resounding CRACK! They both jumped. I took a moment to relish that, then I began spanking Kili.

It had troubled me when I had first taken on the duty of disciplining my nephews. They were proud young warriors who would sooner battle an army of orcs than take a spanking. I felt their humiliation too strongly and I fought putting them through it. Then came a time when Fili and Kili did something so disobedient and dangerous they had near died along with several of their friends. My lads, the leaders of this reckless group, became drenched in self-reproach.

My hesitation fled, never to return. Leaving them alone to live with their guilt was making them suffer too greatly. I could not abide that. And after my fright and the anger that had followed I discovered that I needed this as much as they did. So, now, seeing Kili safe over my knee helped loosen some of the knots in my stomach created by this troll mishap. Those knots would loosen even more when Fili took his brother's place.

Kili began to make small wriggling moves the warmer his bottom became. As usual, he shattered fairly quickly. He felt his loss of dignity so, this youngling. Still cupping his face in his hands, Kili tried to muffle his cries within his palms. I find this curiously endearing, so I permitted the lad his attempt to hide what he clearly felt was a disgraceful lack of warrior control. That was alright for now. After all, he wouldn't be able to smother his wails for long. He was consistent, my young nephew. Kili's embarrassment combined with his rapidly heating backside to completely undo him. He lacked his older brother's amazing stubborn resistance. That was why I'd chosen to spank Kili first. I had run across a curious inconsistency in this business and I wanted to clear it up, something that had to do with the all-important third member involved - Master Baggins.

Earlier in the evening when Balin, Gandalf, the halfling and I were being escorted to Elrond's chambers to discuss the map, I dropped back to walk next to the hobbit. Leaning over, I said in a low voice close to his ear, "What happened when you took my nephews their supper last night?"

He flinched, cast me a wide-eyed stare and said, "What? Oh, uhh, nothing happened. Nothing at all. I just, well, I-I just -" He shrugged. "I took them their supper. Nothing else."

"Nothing else?" I raised a brow. "Come, Master Baggins. What. Happened?"

The halfling glanced up at me, looked away, heaved a great sigh, shoved his hands in his pockets, took them out, wriggled his small nose and winced up at the stars. I waited. Finally, he huffed and said, "Look, I-I-I took them their supper and we saw the uprooted trees, then we spotted a light, and we went closer, and then a troll came thudding by with Myrtle and Minty. So, as official burglar, I, well, I . . . I volunteered to go . . . look into things."

'Volunteered?' Hmm. I had expected to hear a story similar to the one my nephews told me, but from the halfling's viewpoint. It seemed he had written a new version. I silently strolled beside him, thinking this over.

"You volunteered," I said.

"Yes," he said with a quick nod.

"To do what exactly?"

He shrugged. "Whatever I could."

"And just what might that have been?"

"I couldn't know that, could I?" he replied, sounding a touch impatient. "But they had our ponies, MY pony, to be precise. My Myrtle! And they were going to eat them. Well, I could hardly just stand by and watch, could I? I had to do something. I had to try to rescue them."

"Alone," I said, fascinated. "Were you armed?"

"Well . . . nnno."

"So, without so much as a knife in your hand you were going to rescue four ponies from three trolls all by yourself."

And it was here that the good-natured, courteous Master Baggins became surprisingly belligerent.

"Yes!" he declared in a brusque, hushed tone. "All by myself! Why not? If I'm a burglar then I'm a burglar and it's best I do my job. Those trolls were going to chop up Myrtle and throw her in a stew pot along with three other ponies we couldn't spare. So, yes! I had to do what I could. Slip in, free the ponies, then slip out quick as you please. By myself. Nobody suggested it. Nobody made me do it. Nobody pushed me down the path. I alone decided my course. And I'd do it again!"

He paused to draw breath and fire me a disdainful look. I was so startled I could do nothing but stare down at the fuming little fellow who went right on fuming.

"Look, I'm not entirely inept! You hired me to be a burglar and it was time I started making a contribution, and that's what I'd set about doing when - when -" He paused again to huff, then: "It's not my fault that dratted troll decided to use me as a pocket handkerchief!"

I lowered my head, fighting an unsuitable grin.

"That was disgusting, you know," he grumbled on, "being covered with that . . . that . . . it was revolting! But I didn't complain. I didn't say anything about it then and I have nothing more to say about the matter now. It's over and done with."

Oh, really? He finally settled down and marched along silently. It took me a moment to consider what just happened. There certainly was a lot of something uncomfortable roaring around inside young Master Baggins to make him explode so incautiously. But I would get to the bottom of it, along with something else his outburst had just made plain, for that had been quite an ill-mannered display from the amiable halfling. I rarely heard such an aggressive tone directed my way.

I understood his agitation. I even sympathized with it. But a company of warriors adhered to a code of deference to leadership and, agitation aside, this little one could have been more respectful. But where would a hobbit have learned about a warrior's code? Or, for that matter, obedience to orders and the consequences of insubordination?

As to his version of 'volunteering', I felt certain my nephews had told me the truth. They were ashamed to admit they had sent an unarmed hobbit in alone amongst the trolls. I doubted they would have told such an uncomfortable tale unless it was true. So Master Baggins had not only just lied to me, he was one of the most inept little fibbers I had ever seen. I felt a sudden urge to burst out laughing. Up ahead Gandalf coughed and rumbled. I wondered how much he had heard. But he said nothing, leaving the halfling to me.

Once again I leaned close to the hobbit and murmured, "I always find out what I want to know, little grocer, so I trust you are being truthful with me."

He gave me an indignant look, stuck his turned-up nose in the air, muttered, "Excuse me," and he trotted ahead to walk with Gandalf, Lindir and Balin. I'd smirked and narrowed my eyes on my wee grocer's back. Oh, there was much more here than Master Baggins was willing to reveal, perhaps more than he knew of himself. I had ideas as to what was at the heart of this particular mystery, but I would settle for nothing short of the absolute truth, and I would demand it from each party over my knee. I was content to leave my burglar for last, as it was going to be a difficult, and undoubtedly lengthy lesson for him.

Now, however, Kili was due a good long spanking. He was never given quarter simply because he broke down quickly. He had been crying into his palms for some time now, and struggling valiantly to hide it. I spanked him in silence, watching Kili's upset increase and giving him some leeway to thrash about. Impossible for this one to remain still for long. He actually became slightly frantic if he was not allowed to move and kick. Again, so unlike his brother. When Kili reached the point wherein he shot a hand back to cover his reddening backside, it was time to start talking.

"None of that," I said in a scolding tone, fastening Kili's hand to his back. "Now. Answer me. Why? Why didn't you come find me when you saw some ponies were missing?"

"D-Didn't want to worry y-you!" Kili cried.

"Who did not want to worry me? Master Baggins?"

"No!" Fili blurted out, breaking the 'no interrupting' rule I had set up long ago. But waiting his turn and watching his little brother gasp and wriggle and cry had, as it sometimes did, proven too much for Fili. I paused in mid-swat and looked over at him. My fair, red-faced nephew swallowed hard and glanced away.

"Sorry," he muttered to the ground.

"One more word and you shall do your waiting back at camp," I rumbled.

It was the most severe warning I could have given Fili, for the only thing worse than watching his little brother take a spanking was leaving his little brother to take a spanking alone. Fili's protective instincts burned brightly within him, even though Kili was more than able and loudly objected to his big brother's care.

Kili was a more polished and natural warrior than many twice his age. But he was impulsive and rash, racing headlong into dangerous situations and making the incautious mistakes of youth. His older brother was no better, and although they were invaluable warriors, they were also too heedless for their own good, or anyone else's. So it came as no surprise that these two had decided to avoid coming to me when those uprooted trees were staring them in the face.

"Let us start back at the beginning."

"AHHHHHH! P-Please, unc-cle!"

"Master Baggins arrived to find that two ponies were gone. What happened then?"

"Bilbo asked . . . he said, s-shouldn't we t-tell you!"

I paused in mid-swing and stared down at Kili's dark head. "What?"

"He said, 'Shouldn't we t-tell Thorin?' That's what Bilbo s-said!"

I glanced over at Fili. Looking freshly ashamed, he nodded. Interesting. Wisdom from the wee halfling. I brought my hand down again, resuming where I had left off, much to Kili's wailing dismay. "And what did you say to Master Baggins' suggestion?"

"That we d-didn't want to w-worry you!"

"Both of you told him that?" I asked, knowing the answer.

Kili kicked, choked a soft sob, then shook his head, his dark hair flying. Protecting his brother, of course. Why else would Fili have broken the rules and interrupted earlier if not to assume rightful blame? Nevertheless --

"Kili. Stop that at once. Answer me." And I provided some extra incentive by tipping my knee up and spanking the tender undercurve of Kili's backside.

"AHHHHHHHH! Noooooooo! No, s-sir! N-Not both of us!"

"Your brother said it?" I asked, shooting Fili another glance. He gave me a tragic look and nodded again.

"Yes! Y-Yes, sir!" Kili sputtered, and I lowered my leg, returning my swats to his hot bottom. He seemed less than appreciative. Then he stammered, "Fili told Bilbo, no, not to worry you, but-but I was about to tell Bilbo the same thing!"

"Were you indeed?" I fought a grin at Kili's noble, though ill-advised confession. "Do you think this matter would have ended better had you followed Master Baggins' suggestion and come to me?"

"I-I dunno, if -- AHHHHHH! Yes! Y-Yes! We should've l-listened to Bilbo!"

Odd as it felt to agree with that, I had to say, "Aye. You should have."

Kili rubbed his face on his sleeve and murmured, "Uh-huuuhhhh."

"Now, tell me this again," I said in a freshly somber tone, "did the halfling volunteer to rescue the ponies?"

Kili paused as though wondering at the strange question, then: "Nooo! Bilbo didn't v-volunteer. He did n-not!"

I pressed my lips together. I knew it. Lying little hobbit-brat.

"And whose idea was it to send him off alone?"

"I-I-I -"

"Best tell me quickly, little laddie."

Kili sucked a sharp breath at that special name, then he wept harder, and I released his hand so that he could once again bury his face in his palms. Growing concerned about his now red backside, I started lessening the force of my spanks and softly said, "Kili. Tell me. Now."

Lifting his head he blurted out, "My idea! It was m-my idea! Bilbo said 'we have to do something,' and I-I said, 'yes, you should!'" And he collapsed into fresh tears, too overcome to say more.

There was, of course, more left to say, but Kili had done his part, or at least all he was capable of doing. Saving the rest of my questions for his older brother, I spanked Kili lightly and easily and allowed him to utter all his heartfelt 'sorries.' When he'd finished, I said, "Apologies accepted. But you and your brother shall apologize to the Company as well. Tonight."

Kili groaned between his hiccuping and crying. This was going to be difficult for my proud young warriors. Nevertheless it would be done.

"You know it is just," I said, looking over at his sad-eyed brother. "Because you disobeyed my orders the Company could have been destroyed most savagely last night by some thick-headed trolls. So you shall tell the others you are sorry."

Harsh words for two already upset lads to hear, nevertheless they needed to be said. Kili buried his face in his hands again and wept long and low.


I stopped and rested his hand on his hot, glowing bottom. Slowly rubbing his back I kept him over my lap until his weeping began to slow and quiet. "Shhh," I murmured. "It is over now. You were very brave, little laddie. All is well. Shhh."

It took some time, but when Kili finally calmed, I pulled up his breeches, lifted him from my lap and stood him before me, steadying him, then I led him to the opposite bench. His brother quickly stood and I guided Kili down on his stomach and watched him stretch out. Crouching down beside his head, I smoothed the wild, dark locks from his face, murmuring, "Lie still and rest now. And remember." I placed my finger to my lips. "Shhhh. No interrupting."

I doubt he would have been capable of it. Fully spent, Kili gazed at me, his dark eyes soft and drowsy-looking. He twitched a bit, drew his fist up, moved his finger to his lips, and hushed a quiet, "shhh." I couldn't help grinning at him. Then I stood, and faced his bravely waiting older brother.

Fili gave every indication of being unruffled when he most assuredly was. I admired his effort, but I was also eager to shatter that hard earned composure of his. Grabbing his upper arm I hustled him back to my bench, yanked him over my lap and followed the same steps I had taken with his younger brother, lifting Fili's shirt and slowly drawing his breeches over his backside and down his long legs. This never unnerved Fili as much as it did his younger brother, nevertheless he buried his face in his crossed arms and hid beneath his thick tawny hair as Kili had done, showing in his more subtle way that he was anxious indeed.

I made him lay quietly and wait whilst I took in the sight of my older nephew stretched out safe over my knee as his brother had been. I needed to see them this way after a frightening episode for which they were accountable. And when I'd had my fill of that reassuring sight I raised my hand and brought it down and the small garden resounded once more with another CRACK! Again, both lads flinched. That first spank always sounded loud when all was quiet.

It took a lot of spanking to make Fili lose control. He broke later rather than sooner. But Fili held out in order to invite a more severe spanking. As the older brother he felt accountable for what had happened. Pure folly, of course. There was no restraining Kili if he was determined to be adventurous and Fili was usually in the thick of things right alongside his brother. He would then try to assume full responsibility for whatever mess they had made despite his little brother's protests.

This time, however, Fili was indeed the chiefly responsible party, and that was what I had saved to discuss with him, but first I needed to spank him into a more pliable state. That was fine with me. This matter could have proven fatal for all had Gandalf not arrived. True, the halfling had tried to stall matters, and he did save Bombur, but the whole time he was cooking up his tale about parasites my trussed up dwarves were still cooking on the spit. So I had no trouble whatsoever in giving my elder nephew exactly what the lad thought he deserved. I thought he deserved it, too.

I spanked Fili silently, steadily and with an enthusiasm I had no intention of regretting. And, thankfully true to form, it took him some time before he reached the point wherein he could no longer keep still. When he began writhing and straining and making small labored sounds, he was ready to talk. I went right to the heart of the matter.

"Now, nephew," I began, "why did you refuse Master Baggins' suggestion to come tell me what had happened?"

That was precisely what had set all this in motion, and why Fili was the chiefly responsible party. For if he had answered Bilbo by saying, 'Yes, we should go tell Thorin at once,' Kili would have supported his older brother's decision and we could have quickly and quietly gathered the rest of the ponies and moved the camp, slipping off into the night, far away from the vicinity of the trolls. We would have lost but a few ponies, a small price to pay. My lads would still have been answerable for having left their post, but none of the Company would have nearly ended up as troll fodder.

In a hushed voice, Fili said, "I didn't want to worry y--"

"No," I said with an extra firm whack. "I want the real reason."

He arched up, tensed and went silent. I watched him grapple with himself, his tenacious will fighting his hot backside. Incredibly, he might need yet more time before he was ready to own up to the reason behind his refusal to find me. And that was alright. I knew the answer and I was content to keep right on spanking him until he was ready to be honest with himself and with me. So I kept on for awhile before giving Fili another chance to speak.

"You should really consider answering me truthfully, lad," I said, watching him clench his fists and writhe. "I shall keep this up until you do. As you well know, my arm is tireless. Your choice."

A low gasp came from the other bench and I glanced up to see Kili staring fixedly at us, his liquid eyes full of dismay. Amazing that he could watch his brother take a spanking, especially the kind of spanking Fili invited. But, unless his own ordeal had taken so much out of him that he fell into exhausted dozing, Kili rarely failed to stay loyally attentive, just as his brother had for him.

I fired him a stern look and stopped spanking long enough to press my finger to my lips in another 'shhh' gesture. Kili blinked, drew his knotted fist up and pressed it to his closed lips as though to block any further sound from escaping.

Fili was now squirming and trembling and showing signs of genuine difficulty. His hand shot around, palm up, then he halted halfway to his goal and drew it back, once again burying his face in his crossed arms.

"Good lad," I murmured, marveling, as I usually did, at his restraint.

He bucked up a few times, gasped and then, at last, his first whimper came. Ah. Better.

"Fili. Come. Tell me," I quietly commanded. "Why did you not follow the halfling's advice? Why did you not alert me when you saw the ponies were missing?"

He was just barely holding on, his body rigid and quivering, his breath coming in short desperate huffs. Just a little more incentive--

"I know it is hard," I said in a gentle tone, "but you will tell me now. It's alright. Do not be afraid, little beardling."

And, as it had been with his brother, the special name was simply too much for my valiantly struggling nephew. It was as though I had said, 'No matter what you tell me, I shall always care for you.'

Fili burst into deep, muffled sobs. When this lad finally shattered he truly shattered. I stopped spanking, giving him time to lose himself in his yielding, for yielding was so very hard for Fili. He wept into his crossed arms, then, clearly needing more air, he turned his head to the side and continued his low, husky crying. I waited, and when his breathing became less ragged and his sobs less wrenching, I began spanking him again, using a little less strength as we still had much to cover and my stubborn lad's backside had become an amazing shade of red.

Fili rarely kicked, but he writhed and wriggled and his legs strained and stretched. He had buried his face in his crossed arms again, half-smothering his low, throaty wails, but he knew what was expected of him, so he lifted his head and in a broken voice he rasped, "I-I didn't want you to know that we'd disobeyed your or-orders."

"Ahh," I said, and since he had so bravely admitted this painful truth, I helped him along by doing his explaining for him. "You were not really concerned about worrying me."

"N-Noo, sirrrr!"

"You could not admit that you had left your post and that something as large as a troll had slipped past your watch, so you gave Master Baggins a different reason for not coming to find me."

Fili wept anew and squirmed and nodded his head. I swatted him hard.


"Answer me."

"Y-Yesssir! Didn't want to tell you!"

"When I give you an order, little beardling, I expect it to be obeyed."


He understood the gravity of what he had done, but Fili needed the chance to fully atone for it in all its terrible entirety, so I said, "Because you could not admit that you had disobeyed my orders, our quest nigh came to an end. The Company was nearly destroyed, and Erebor lost to our people."

He paused in his cries, a shudder and a long groan rippling through him. I felt his horror. He had likely already considered this darkest of consequences, but hearing it given voice hit him like a blow from a sword. In part I hated having to speak the truth so plainly, but it was the truth, and it needed to come out where Fili could look at it and accept it and, hopefully, learn from it. Although, when it came to my nephews learning from their mistakes, I had been hoping such hopes for many years now.

"Ohhh!" Fili wailed, the sound coming from deep in his body. "Ohhhhhh!"

Understanding how painful this had to be for him, I gave him a moment, resting my palm on his hot backside. "It must have been a grim sight for you and your brother," I murmured. "The uprooted trees and the missing ponies. Something very bad had happened, and you should have been there."

"Y-Yesssirrr! Bad, very b-bad!"

"So you included the halfling in your problem, hopefully to salvage the mess you had made before I learned of it." I swatted him hard.

"AHHHH! Yesssirrr!"

"Hiding the truth is a form of lying, is it not?" Again I swatted him hard.

"AHHHH! Y-Yessirrr!"

"Are you ever permitted to lie to me, little beardling, or to hide a hard truth because you cannot admit that truth to me?" Several hard swats this time.

"AHHHHH! Noooooo! No, never!"

"No indeed," I said, adding a few more powerful swats and listening to him cry out again. "You are never, never to lie to me, either of you!"


Fili's weeping grew more intense, overwhelming him now. I paused again, and when I had borne all I could of his broken, hushed crying, I reached down and stroked his thick hair, saying, "Shhh. Shhhhhhh. Hush now. I know you feel badly." I glanced over at a transfixed, tearful Kili. "But we have been here before, have we not? Times when you have disobeyed me and ended up across my lap?"


I rubbed Fili's back, making him tremble, then I gave him permission and listened to him tell me how sorry he was over and over again. "Shhhh, enough now," I finally murmured, patting his backside. "Apologies accepted, little beardling." And for some time I let him rest, let him feel safe where he was, throbbing bottom and all.

"Heed me, both of you," I then said. "You have your apology to make to the Company, but this matter is now finished between us. All is forgiven. You have answered for your wrong doing and it is time to move on. But you know what I now have to say to you both." Fili and Kili went very still, listening, reaching for what they knew was coming, what I had ever said to them after spanking them.

"No matter what you have done, you can never disappoint me. I shall never turn away from you, nor dismiss you, nor leave you alone with your guilt. I am now, as I have ever been, proud of you."

I felt Fili moan and shudder and I looked over to see Kili close his eyes, tears glistening on his lashes. My words had ever affected them deeply, and they needed to hear those words. For I truly never did think less of them for the mistakes they made or their follies of youth. My beardling brats were, after all, still so young, and I truly was, no matter what, proud of them.

I drew Fili's breeches back over his glowing bottom, grinning when he tried to hide his hissing. Picking him up, I put him on his feet and steadied him, then I crossed to Kili and picked him up as well. They stood before me, my two glassy-eyed lads, having survived yet another trip over my knee, and I smiled at them and gathered each one in my arms and held them closely for several long moments as I always did, stroking their hair, easing their trembling and murmuring, "All over. Goooood lad. I am proud of you."

When I had released them they cast me timid, vulnerable glances and swiped their forearms over their damp faces as though hoping to erase any remaining evidence of what had just happened. Fighting another urge to smile, I gave them a moment to compose themselves, then I lost the battle and grinned at them.

"Go now," I said, "and send the halfling to me."

Onward to Part 2.



Oh, this was simply amazing!! I loved it so much, Larrkin!!! I cant wait to hear the rest!!! And Poor Thorin- he is the first one to take on 3 naughty backsides in such a short time. Allthough I bet Hallbarad could. :) This was such an awesome story!!!!!!
Thank you! Judging from the look of him I don't think three naughty backsides will prove any kind of a challenge for Thorin. (Or Hal.) ;) I'm glad you enjoyed!

Very nice. Nice to see you writing again. :)
Thanks, Terri. Always good to see you.



Ah, I'm so excited, a new story! I knew it was coming but this is so much more than I had expected (and I had been expecting a lot!)
You're true master wordsmith, Lark. I love how you write, and you truly blow me away with your work. This story was better than I had imagined, though I imagined it to be spectacular. It's somehow better than that, and what an amazing feat that is! Can't wait for part two; keep up the fabulous work!

Lots of love and support,
A faithful reader,
Thanks so much, Dee! You're too kind. :) Your support is greatly appreciated. Le Muse is all smiles from your enthusiastic response! I'm so glad you enjoyed part 1. Keep an eye out for part 2--



AHHHHHHH AIIIIIIIIII I LOVE YOU I LOVE YOU I LOVE YOU!!! Ok, I'll calm down now. But I've seriously been waiting on the edge of my seat for a new story and this one was absolutely wonderful. I'm so glad you decided to do a Hobbit story and I can't wait for more. I know you said you have a few stories going right now and that you're past the halfway point with them so hopefully it won't be too much longer. Good luck to you and le Muse and many many hugs for this great gift to all of us!
How kind of you, Nikki. Thanks so much! Le Muse is soakin' up the lovin' - great fuel for a non-corporeal entity. Yep - three more stories besides this one have been occupying my spring and summer months. Le Muse just wanted to focus on Thorin and Bilbo first. So, on to part 2!



any hints to what the stories are? :D

This is my bad, Katie. I shouldn't have mentioned it, because if I hint about what stories are waiting backstage it's possible those stories will exit the theater without ever reaching the stage. Metaphoric clap-trap aside, I could hint and Le-lord-knows-what-it'll-do-Muse could decide to close down a certain story, leaving it hanging there just short of completion and making readers wonder where the heck it is. It's happened before and I can't risk it happening again. So I apologize for the tease. Naughty Larrk. I will say, however, that all the stories take place in the LOTR AU.



well, I guess that's something :D

I'm so happy you're writing again, hopefully Le Muse will stay for a long time!!!!!!!! :DDDD

I love this story, I love all your stories!!!

I wasn't expecting a Hobbit story! That was a nice surprise. I always thought that Fili and Kili needed to be taken aside by Thorin after that incident.

Amazing job as always! I'm looking forward to the next chapter.
Thanks! I wasn't expecting a Hobbit story either. Folks have been emailing me for one since the film came out, hoping it would inspire me out of my two year dry spell, but I just couldn't get there. Enter Le capricious Muse. More on the way--



omg! this is amazing! I've been excitedly waiting for the mystery story for days and this is everything I hoped for and more, I can't believe you wrote a hobbit story! I too, thought all three naughty backsides needed warming when I saw that scene, this is great to read, but to leave it on such a cliff hanger, ahhhh I really cannot wait for part 2!!!! So glad your writing again, lark :)
Thanks for your enthusiastic response! I never thought I'd write a Hobbit story, either, even though it seemed to me that the three culprits should have been answerable for all the trouble. Le Muse surprised me with this. So, I'm glad you're enjoying it, despite the cliffie!



Hi, I'm Anna (not my real name but it will do!) I only discovered your stories about a month, maybe a month and a half ago but it feels like I've known them forever. I'm not big on slash but I love the spankings and I agree with practically everything you've said about them. This is, in my opinion, by far the best place I've found to read stories about them, you're a really good author! I love how you helped Boromir survive, it was a realistic way that insured that the books not change too much and, I found, that it kept the characters in character, If that makes sense. I love your OC's Gwin, Garrick and Devon, especially Gwin. I also liked how you let Halbarad survive, I guess you can tell by now that I hate it when the good guys die. My favourite character is Legolas, hands down, followed by Aragorn. I especially like them in your stories and you've made me appreciate Boromir a lot more. I like him in the role of fledgling. Please please write as many stories as you can because I check every night (or nearly every night) and when I don't find new ones I just read and reread the old ones. I can nearly recite a couple of your stories by heart! I love your stories. If possible could you please write about the first time that Aragorn spanked Legolas because you've mentioned it a couple times but haven't (to my knowledge- but I'm new to the website so I may have missed it. If I have please tell me) written a story on it. Also, after, please write more with Legolas giving the spanking because I find I like those the most, its those that I can practically recite by heart. I can't help it, I just love Legolas, I think I'm obsessed with him! All in all, please just continue to write because I love your stories and I want to just keep reading them! This story I found really good (I can't wait for the next part, please oh please get it up soon!) although I didn't expect it to be from the hobbit. Are you going to do many more on the hobbit? I personally prefer Lord of the Rings because I feel closer to those characters but, as previously mentioned several times, I love your stories and this one was really good. You can't imagine how happy I was when I saw you had posted a new story. It was the first time I saw that and actually screeched out loud with joy. I love reading your stories so much! Well, now I'm just really repeating myself (even though its totally true!) so i'll say bye. Hope I haven't bothered you with this message that mostly repeats itself thousand times. Please update again soon, I can barely wait. Thanks for updating, Anna
Welcome to the Nest, Anna! My gosh, I hardly know what to say. I appreciate your many, many kind comments. I'm actually blown away! You explain your thoughts and feelings clearly and well and I'm really quite touched.

I guess it's obvious that I hate it when the good guys die, too. ;) Boromir and Halbarad just had to live. It was so satisfying to write how a certain fledgling survived Amon Hen, and how Hal's death was a mistake.

As to writing more Hobbit stories, I have no plans to do so right now, but, never say never, ya' know? And, no, I haven't written the story about the first time Aragorn spanked Legolas, but it's one of the ones on my "to do" list. I'd love to tackle it. So many stories I'd love to write, and so little time.

And, along those lines, just something I wanted to mention - I'm delighted to hear that you're visiting the Nest often and I encourage you to keep doing so - but since I started writing my readers have been incredibly patient with me because they know that it takes me a long time to write a story. I'm even slower now than I was before my two year absence. I just wouldn't want you to become discouraged when you keep checking back and a new story isn't there. I hope that when "NEW STORY BELOW!" does appear it's worth the wait.

Thank you so much for writing such a lovely comment! I'm thoroughly charmed by your enthusiasm, and as to your repetitiveness - it's okay, Anna. It made me smile. :D



Thank you so much for replying to my comment, it makes me feel special! I agree that sometimes it feels like there's so much to do and so little time. I wish I could spend my time as well as you seem to though, with your time you write stories that make people so happy and touch people and kinda change people in a way. At least that's how it makes me feel. I'll certainly keep visiting the Nest often, even if its just to reread these stories. They are just so good! As for when there's a new story... its certainly worth the wait, I imagine that it will always be, even after especially long waits because your stories are just that good! I'm glad I made you smile, it makes me happy that I could do something for you after you wrote all these wonderful stories for us. You really are a very good author. If you don't mind me asking, what country do you live in? I was just wondering because when I posted that last comment it said it was 1:08 and it certainly wasn't 1:08 where I'm from. Just curious, if you don't want to tell you don't have to. Thank you again for replying to my last comment. If its ok with you and if it doesn't bother you or put you behind in your writing or anything then I think I will keep commenting. I like the fact that someone else can read my words and thoughts, wherever they are. I also like the fact that you're so nice about it. Usually I'm not very good at opening up and trusting but somehow with writing its different. Thank you so much for replying to last comment and for being so nice, Anna
My pleasure, Anna. I enjoy hearing from my readers. I can't always answer in a timely manner, and when Le Muse is demanding my attention I fall behind in my responses. But I do my best to get to everyone both here and in my email.

You asked what country I live in. I live in the USA, in the upper northeastern part of the country.

I'm glad you're having a good time hanging out in my AU. The welcome mat is always out at the Nest. Once again, thank you so much for your very kind comments and support.

Part two will be coming up soon!



Its fine that you can't always answer immediately, especially if the reason is Le Muse demanding time and attention so you can write us more wonderful stories! I hope that Le Muse keeps demanding your attention. Send her a big thanks from me! I love the stories that she helps you write! Thanks, that gives me some idea of when you end up getting these reviews and what the time difference is like for you. It was just one of those things that I was curious about. Having a good time is an understatement, I adore the Nest! You are very welcome for the comments (they are all true) and the support is my pleasure. Consider it some kind of thanks for all the brilliant stories that you write us. Hope to read part two soon, thank you again for writing these wonderful stories and letting us read them and being so kind and replying to my comments and everything really! Thank you so much, Anna


SO. MANY. FEELNGS!!!!!! JSHBFFKSDHGBFLUIGFLKJSDBGKHS This was just so absolutely perfect!!!! I loved Thorin taking care of his nephews and seeing their reactions and responses to him. I loved how you wrote Fili and Kili and how different they are in response to a spanking (poor poor stubborn Fili). Everything was just so beautiful and it made my week. The part at the end where Thorin said he was proud of them also slayed me and I’m pretty sure the sound that came out of my mouth was not human. Now that I have completed the emotional fangirl part of this review, let’s try something that is a bit more intelligent.

I join the list of those who saw the Hobbit and went, there is no way Thorin did not pull his nephews aside to address that Pony/Troll issue. Then I come to check in on your livejournal and there the story is waiting for me! I particularly enjoyed reading this story since it is the first time that we have seen a dwarf both receiving and giving a spanking. I was interested in seeing how or if the dynamic would shift. Not only do I think you did a fantastic job portraying Thorin (who really is an enormously complicated character when you think about it), I love how different yet familiar this felt (if that makes sense, I’ll try to explain). It was decidedly dwarfish, a bit more stoic, and a bit gruffer but it still revolved around those essential matters of the heart that have driven the spankings in your stories. So while we got to enjoy a different experience and get a deeper look at some of our favorite dwarves, at its heart it was still so familiar, an uncle taking care of his two nephews and the being unwilling to leave them to face the guilt and other darker emotions that would come. Two warriors releasing themselves into that little boy space and the solace to be found there. I loved every word and cannot wait to see just how long Bilbo will be able to cling to his foolish lie when faced with a stern Thorin (I know I wouldn’t last long). Thanks so much for this wonderful story and I can’t wait (although I suspect Bilbo could) for the next part.
I think that's the first time one of my readers told me they made an inhuman sound. :D Golly! I'm so glad to have made your week, and of course Le Muse is shamelessly delighting in all your enthusiastic fangirl emotions. Better'n chocolate, and that's saying something.

As to your deeper analysis - Wow! You nailed it. Well done you! Thorin isn't like Halbarad or Aragorn or Damrod or Garrick or Legolas or any other authoritarian figure I've written. He's just as you describe him, and that meant approaching him and this story in an entirely new and different way. However, some things crossover between dwarves and elves and hobbits and the world men, and it's wonderful to hear that all those familar differences came through. Thanks so much for your review! I think I made a small inhuman sound of my own after reading it. ;)

Oh, and regarding Bilbo, well . . . I'm with you. When faced with a stern Thorin, I wouldn't last long, either.



Hi Larrkin!!!!! SO HAPPY THERE IS A NEW STORY!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

I really liked it! But I was wondering, is everything ok? It is just rare that you spend so little time with a spanking, much less two. I wish LeMuse had gone into more detail. :( But I still loved it! And I can't wait to see how it goes with Bilbo!!! What with their relationship in the movie as being so tense and everything. I can't wait to see how you do it!!! You always write so amazingly!!!!!!!!!! :D

I was just thinking though about poor Boromir!! I think he is my all time favorite character. Just re-reading one of my favorite stories, when he accepts Legolas as his big brother. And I was thinking, if he really accepts blame as quickly as he does, would he feel guilty for taking his new big brother from Aragorn? Because in another Boromir/legolas story, Attention Invited, when Legolas gets his spanking from Aragorn after being initially mean to Boromir, Boromir finds out about Aragorn spanking Leoglas. And after realizing that, he also learns that this has been going on for a really really long time.

"A warm swelling of sadness expanded in my chest. I had just begun to enjoy the comfort of Aragorn’s attention, and I knew that the loss of it, especially the threat of losing it to an intruder, would be devastating. Yes, I could imagine how that would feel.

And I’d only known such comfort for a few days. Legolas had clearly cherished it for some time. What might the fear of such a loss have been like for him? I couldn’t fathom such anguish. "

Would he start to blame himself for making his new big brother feel bad? And after Legolas starts calling him little brother, feel more and more bad? Then start to pull away from Aragorn, not wanting to hurt his big brother? Even though Legolas no longer cared, Boromir would wonder if he still had some resentment hidden, and then not believing he deserved Aragorns attention and was so far below them that he could not honestly accept that they would want to be with him. Just wondering if he dealt with that?

And I know that you have had so many story suggestions, and LeMuse is keeping you busy, but still wanted to request a story! Im so sorry! But what is going to happen to poor Boromir and Damrod? There are so so so many issues that could come up, since it is the first time Damrod would have spanked Boromir in 15 years, or more!

Did he give in to his little brother to see if Damrod would still care for him, because he no longer has to deal with the older son now that Boromir has Legolas and Aragorn? So he will no longer worry about Boromir, now that his 'duty' as Boromir would see it, is taken care of by others?

Or maybe Boromir thinks that Damrod will no longer want to because he hurt his 'little bairn' so badly when he thought he was dead and blames him for the breach, or that he doesn't deserve it because he put his little brother in that position. This would, of course, be out of guilt.

We all know how quickly Boromir assumes blame, and while Aragorn and Legolas worked with him on it, once he gets around the environmental cues of his father's blame, and around Damrod again, wouldn't he regress really quickly?

I'm so sorry to be such a bother, but you write so so beautifully Larrkin! And I love Boromir so much. Hope I didn't bother you too much. And that maybe LeMuse remebered about poor Boromir, waiting for these last two years... but whatever it is, can't wait to see what comes next!!
Of course I'm aware that the Boromir story isn't finished. I wouldn't have forgotten about one of my own stories. It saddens me to have left Foster Father where it is. But I cannot tie Le Muse to the desk and make her finish it. I can't force her, threaten her, drown her with ideas or pay her to do it. I'd love to wrap-up Foster Father. But until Le Muse chooses to work on it again I'm stuck.

I am still completely, absolutely, swooningly in love with this story! :D
Awww, Kat. Your swooning enthusiasm helped me finish this story. I can't thank you enough for cheering me on and keeping me going. *pats head* And thanks for your sharp-eyed beta-ing! :D

Ugh, Larrkin, I've been reading your stories for years, and I have always loved them. I was thrilled to see that you wrote Hobbit stories!!!! I hope you write many more :D
Thank you! I'm so glad to know that you've been enjoying my stories. Sounds like you're a Hobbit fan. I never know what stories I'm going to write until I start writing them, so who knows? Maybe another Hobbit one will show up!


January 2016

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